It is April 8^th 2020. Easter is in a few days, the sun is shining in Zelienople, Pennsylvania, its over fifty degrees. Aaand the world is more different than I have ever known. I keep thinking about journaling like I normally do, about things I normally think. But nothing is normal. And I need to remember this.

We are living in a world that is closed.

There is an invisible disease carried throughout the entire world by convenience. You can travel anywhere in this world, in such a short amount of time, as long as you have a credit card. And that’s what this disease did, it hitched a ride to every corner of the earth. It is quiet, it is invisible, it presents itself first like a cold or the flu but it is worse. We thought it targeted the older generations, but the reality is there is no rhyme or reason to this disease other than it takes who it wants, and the level of severity is unpredictable in it’s patients. Some carry it to others without even getting sick.

In case you are wondering, I’m talking about the Coronavirus.

I grew up in a time where we were free from many of these conveniences that our world is so accustomed to (addicted), like cell phones, texting, video calls, and even the availability of binge television. When I was little my brothers, sister, and I would lay on our “TV Room” floor and change the channels of our wooden television set with our toes. When Mom or Dad wanted to watch Star Trek or Superman, that is what we watched. If I wanted to see my friends, I would call their home phone and politely ask “Hello may I please speak to … this is Maggie Roche calling”. I loved making recordings for our answering machine, checking that thing was the highlight of ever even coming home. I rode my bike, everywhere. EV-ER-Y-WHEREEEE. I knocked on my friends’ doors or rang their doorbells, or shouted toward their backyard from the corner of my house, and asked if they could come out and play. I knew what times of day I had to head home, I asked neighbors for the time just in case. We were so free.

So that’s what I am struggling with during this “Shelter in Place” period of our lives. Are we trapped? Let me give some context of what my experience has been. We are being forced to stay home, and not leave or travel anywhere unless it is deemed essential. So many Americans have lost their jobs, the hospitality business is just closed. Schools and universities are vacant. Daycare is shut down. People have moved to home offices, but now have to parent, teach, and care for their children while still working their full-time jobs (if they are lucky enough to still be working). The unemployment rate is 13%, which is the highest it has been since the Great Depression which tapped out at 25% in 1933.

The “greatest country in the world” is being led by a man who is more interested in other peoples opinions of him than he is in the lives that are being lost in this battle (this is not fake news, just my interpretation of his behavior). The pandemic started off as a “hoax” in the words of the leader of the free world. Scientists and doctors and health experts are running models to identify peaks of outbreak and quantify whether resources will be available to accommodate the care necessary for these patients. Our President rambles and jokes and makes no attempts to even level with the humans of America, and the world, that we must care for one another.

Vulnerable populations are going to work to collect a paycheck, which may only get them to their next paycheck in two weeks. There are too many hoops to jump through to file for medical leave, or maybe it isn’t even an option. Unemployment doesn’t cover the appropriate expenses. Not to mention that many of those who are getting sick are terrified of the financial impact it will have on their lives, their families, their future if they chose to seek care. People are dying alone, because this disease is so powerful contact is limited.

Life is so different. Forget all of the heavy stuff. The simple stuff is not so simple anymore. In our household, my husband and I work from home offices and travel for a living. We work in healthcare distribution and have been on a travel freeze since the end of February to flatten the curve. Frankly, not having to travel is a luxury for us, not a punishment. We can sleep in our own beds multiple nights in a row and to be home with our families. Though we may not be “essential” employees, the business we are in directly relates and supports the treatment and recovery of the COVID19 patients. We can have an impact, and we can help, in our own small contributions.

My youngest son is a year and a half old; he was diagnosed with bronchomalacia and tracheomalacia (floppy airway) at six months old after a BRUE (brief resolved unexplained event is when an infant younger than one year stops breathing, has a change in muscle tone, turns pale or blue in color, or is unresponsive.) Most recently, he has been diagnosed with Asthma. Why does this matter? It matters because although originally they thought that COVID19 didn’t really impact children, it actually does. It is most dangerous for people with underlying health issues, especially those that compromise your respiratory system. We have a nanny who graciously agreed to strictly practice social distancing when not in our home to keep this fortress of ours as safe as possible. She does this for Cooper, and for my husband and I so we can work. She said she’d rather know she was helping someone help someone, than sit at home. Grateful.

Sometimes I lay in bed and I make a list of things I can control, and a list of things I can’t. And I do my best to mentally “drop” those things I can’t. And now the list of things I can not control is longer than ever. I wonder to myself if a year from now I will be grieving someone I love, and then I pray. Pray for our first responders and caretakers, and grocery workers (shout out to Costco), delivery drivers, and for those who are grieving in a complicated world.

In our family we have four boys, our one year old, a three-year-old, a sixteen year old, and an eighteen year old, the two oldest are my step sons. Sam and Jake have had the experience of their sophomore and senior year taken away. Jake can’t get his drivers permit. Sam may never be able to experience what it is like to go to his senior prom let alone be recognized for all of his accomplishments at graduation. It seems petty in the big scheme of things, in a world where this disease has sickened over 1.4 million people, and killed (thus far) over 83,000. But it is so complex, understanding it, rationalizing it, feeling its weight, and deciding what matters most.

I went to the store the other day with a mask on (even though by wearing a mask you aren’t necessarily protected; you are just trying to reduce the likelihood you infect others if you are a carrier or asymptomatic). Anyway, I went to the store with my mask on upside down (whoops), and I stood outside at six feet from the person in front of me, and waited to be ushered in. (They limit the amount of people who can be in a place at one time). Once I was allowed into the store I concentrated on my hands holding the handle of my recently sanitized cart, if I focused both hands to hold the cart maybe I wouldn’t inadvertently touch my face. Normally, I am someone who is compelled to smile awkwardly large (usually 180% smile), and say hello to any living being I encounter (not limited to humans). But, I was so focused on my hands, and avoiding others, that it didn’t occur to me to even smile.  This disease is pushing us away from each other, but it is also weirdly bringing us closer.

At the end of my workday I am grateful to have a job, have a peace of mind that what I’m doing slightly matters, but I am overwhelmed with fear and guilt. Why is it fair that I get to continue to work and make a living? Why is it fair for my sister to be a nurse caring for a team and for patients suffering from COVID19. My sister is truly risking her life for the sake of stranger’s, day in and out (well actually night in and out). I am scared for her, and for her family. I am worried for my parents and my aunts and uncles who are older and more susceptible; but I’m two hours away and I can not be near them because it would put them at risk. So, we are directed to stay home with our families.

Stay home with our families.

Stay home with our family to flatten the curve.

Stay home with our family to stop the spread of this disease.

Stay home with our family to do our part in ending this pandemic.

Honestly, I think it is a blessing that we are being called to simply stay home. It’s a blessing (for me) to have times that are quiet in our house, that we get creative with one another to find exciting projects, crafts, and games to really be present with the ones in the walls of our home. The distractions are limited (even though we are still working). But no sports, practices, work travel, family parties, kids parties, mini-trips, etc. to plan for. Just a bit of peace. And I am going to chose to be grateful for it. Grateful for our health, and for this moment in time where a world that I’ve known only to speed up since the last day I changed the TV channel with my toes, a world so fast paced that many times I felt I was drowning, has slowed down. Has slowed down so much, that we are nearly stopped. The entire world is fighting against the same thing, and though we are directed to stay apart, we must also slow down, and come together in ways we never knew were possible.

We are all humans, with beating and feeling hearts. Looking for a little bit of love, some acceptance, and an opportunity to live a healthy life. I hope through the madness of this new world we are living in, that everyone can find some peace although there isn’t always understanding. And I hope we never go back to “normal” again. And if in a year from now, I am grieving someone I love, I hope I can look back on this time and remember my full heart and the gratitude I have for my health, my family, my profession, and most of all for those individuals who are on the front lines of this fight making the ultimate sacrifice.

Peace.Love.Humanity. ❤

*Disclaimer : I was drinking a diet coke and burped at the time I took the selfie of myself in an upside-down, incorrectly worn, mask.